One Liner SMS

• Humor is to life what shock absorbers are to an automobile.
• Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.
• God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins.
• People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
• It’s been a business doing pleasure with you.
• He who laughs, lasts.
• Ur secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
• If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
• Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.
• Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future
• Crime does not pay as well as politics.
• Ability is a gud thing but stability is even better.
• Being popular is important, otherwise people might not like U.
• The man who says he’s boss at home is lying, single or just plain stupid.
• It’s not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
• Know thyself — but don’t tell anyone.
• You simply must stop taking other people’s advice.
• Women aren’t that bad, but wives…!
• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.
• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.
• Nobody ever goes there, it’s too crowded.
• A good scare is worth more than good advice.
• I’ve never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.
• I’m a killer, I kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!
• We do precision guesswork.
• Automatic simply means that you can’t repair it yourself.
• Have a nice day… somewhere else
• Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
• Most people like hard work. Particularly when they are paying for it.
• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
• Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
• Coffee, chocolate, men… some things are just better rich.
• Some people think they are generous coz they give away free advice
• The govt is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding govt.
• Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
• Political language is designed to make lies sound useful and murder respectable.
• The trouble with being the boss is that there’s no satisfaction in stealing office supplies.
• I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
• Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
• Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess
• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
• Don’t lie, cheat or steal…unnecessarily.
• To avoid duplication, make three copies.
• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
• My boyfriend told me he loved me for my mind. I’ve never been so insulted in my life
• In my marriage, “We need to talk” means, “You need to listen.”

• A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
• My reflexes were so bad that I was hit by a parked car.
• Sterility is not hereditary
• Originality is the art of concealing your sources
• A problem is your chance to do your best.
• If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
• Whenever a man seeks your advice he generally seeks your praise.
• If you can’t win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record.
• Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
• Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence
• A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else
• Marriage is give & take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway
• Life is full of obstacle illusions
• To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved
• If you are not ready to die, then the angels coming to guide you home may seem as demons coming to drag you to Hell.
• We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Perseverance is not a long race, it is many short races one after another.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
• Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then
• Life sucks, but Death swallows!
• Faithful husbands will go straight to the heaven because they’ve already gone through hell
• I am not laughing with you, I’m laughing at you
• A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself
• Volcano is a mountain with hiccups
• Sometimes I feel like goalie for the dart team
• Luck sometimes visits a fool, but it never sits down with him
• How glorious it is and also how painful to be an exception
• I like my job! It’s the work I hate !!
• Trespassers’ll be shot. Survivors’ll be shot again!
• Avoid mailmen. They’re carriers!
• If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
• He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.
• Teaching is the greatest act of optimism.
• If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
• A somebody was once a nobody who wanted to and did.
• Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools
• There is a guaranteed way to get what you want… want less
• In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker
• All men are different, but husbands are all alike
• I am not single, I’m romantically challenged
• On the internet nothing is illegal, its all e-legal
• Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
• We the willing, following the unknowing are doing the impossible. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do anything with nothing
• National Debt: When everyone exceeds their charge card limits
• A good listener is usually thinking about something else
• Hard work must have killed someone!
• You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it
• I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice

• Freedom of speech is wonderful, it’s right up there with the freedom not to listen
• All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage
• Integrity is like oxygen – the higher you go, the less there is of it.
• If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
• Life isn’t always fair, but it shouldn’t cheat that much
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret
• Champagne for my true friends & true pain for my sham friends
• Those who seek faultless friends will remain friendless
• Why can’t you be unique & original like everybody else?
• You never get a second chance to make a first impression
• Aspire to inspire before you expire
• Love is forever, only the partners change
• Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar
• I wear the pants in my family right under my apron
• I am an atheist, thank God!
• Pessimists build dungeons in the air
• Make somebody happy- mind your own business
• Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today
• Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time
• You are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks
• Money may not talk but its absence screams
• Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
• Wise men learn by other men’s mistakes, fools by their own.
• Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.
• I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
• Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
• Nobody notices what I do, until I don’t do it
• Trust is like virginity. U lose it once & that’s it.
• Don’t drink and drive… just smoke and fly!
• It is better to be a nobody who accomplishes something than a somebody who accomplishes nothing
• Have the courage to act instead of react
• I drink to make other people interesting
• To make pleasures pleasant, shorten them
• Instant gratification takes too long !
• Success depends on your backbone, not your wishbone
• The surest way to hit a woman’s heart is to take aim kneeling
• Never exaggerate your faults; your friends will attend to that
• It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward
• First love is only a little foolishness & a lot of curiosity
• It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one
• A great deal of money is never enough once you have it
• A father is a banker provided by nature
• Not many people realize just how well known I’m
• I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand
• I’m having a deja vu experience, just like last time.
• Life is a do-it-yourself project.
• There are moments when everything goes well; don’t be frightened, it won’t last.
• Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
• Life isn’t always fair but it shouldn’t cheat THAT much.
• I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand

• Never question your wife’s judgement, look whom she married
• The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired
• Economists are people who think the poor need them to tell them that they are poor
• Holidays make you feel good enough to return to work. And so poor that you’re forced to
• I’m a miracle worker. It’s a miracle if I work
• Sure, I want a woman in my life. Just not in my house
• Alcohol: The anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life
• An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are
• If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work
• A narrow mind has a broad tongue
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said, After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it
• Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after
• An optimist laughs to forget… A pessimist forgets to laugh
• To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing
• No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys
• Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.
• Never make forecasts, especially about the future.
• Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don’t need it; if you are sick, you shouldn’t take it.
• The most welcome person is the one who knows when to go
• Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory
• Sure, there’s no ‘i’ in team, but there is an ‘m’ and an ‘e’
• Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking
• The test of good manners is to be patient with the bad ones
• Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies
• I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid
• The future isn’t what it used to be
• He who hesitates is constipated
• Passwords are like underwear: change them often
• Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for your old age
• I once worked as a horse trainer. It was a stable job.
• The world will provide you with stones every day; what you build out of it is your outlook – A Bridge or a Wall.
• As long as my boss pretends that I’m earning much, I’m pretending that I work hard.
• You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough
• A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government
• Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls
• Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know where to shop
• Never drink tea or coffee at office hours, it will keep you awake
• Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question
• Don’t tell a woman she’s pretty; tell her there’s no other woman like her, and all roads will open to you.
• The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it’s so rare
• The self-employed person is uniquely in a position to define success however he pleases
• Teach thy tongue to say I do not know and thou shalt progress
• Pessimist is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street
• Yawn is an honest opinion openly expressed
• I just read that Prozac is no longer the No. 1 selling anti-depressant drug. That makes me feel sad.
• Ninety percent of the people in any group think they’re in the top ten percent
• The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you
• I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.
• Only fools are certain; it takes wisdom to be confused.

• I’m currently fasting to protest hunger strikes.
• One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask any addict.
• Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled
• People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up
• Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.
• I took a philosophy test that asked us to explain Nothingness. I left it blank.
• I heard that the idea for the patent was stolen.
• People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs
• I just bought a used car. It’s a convertible. You turn the key, and it converts into a piece of crap
• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the problem
• Ninety percent of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at
• Committees have become so important that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
• All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
• Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!
• I have a black belt in karate. It’s not that I’m good, it’s just that I never wash it!
• There are two reasons why some folks don’t mind their own business. No mind, No business.
• I have discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week & the government spends 7.
• Even experienced public speakers get butterflies. The trick is to make them fly in formation.
• Love is a fire. Whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
• My husband & I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.
• Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
• I go to a woman dentist. It’s a relief to be told to open my mouth instead of to shut it.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her
• A husband is a bachelor whose luck finally failed.
• Luck always seems to be against the person who depends on it
• Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener
• A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
• I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.
• No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid
• Even experienced public speakers get butterflies. The trick is to make them fly in formation
• Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view
• Don’t get married if you are afraid of solitude
• Etc. is a word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
• If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
• Freedom of speech is wonderful – it’s right up there with the freedom not to listen
• Why can’t I attract men like crazy instead of attract crazy men?
• High heel is a device invented by women who were tired of being kissed on the forehead.
• The argument that you’ve just won with your wife isn’t over yet
• All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
• Money is like manure: It’s not worth anything unless you spread it around.
• More than one mouse is mice; more than one spouse is spice.
• My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
• One thing a man learns from an argument with a woman is how to be a good loser.
• True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.
• After winning an argument with his wife, the wisest thing a husband can do is apologize.
• Never trust a girl who says she loves you more than anyone else in the world; it shows she has been experimenting.
• Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.
• The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
• I never turn my back on my friends, I don’t trust them that much

• On the internet nothing is illegal, its all e-legal…
• It is a medically proven fact that people with the most birthdays live the longest!
• I’m so old that, when I was in school, history was called current affairs.
• Marriage is a combination of sense and sex. Like the share market sensex it has ups and downs.
• I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV, but it’s still as stupid as ever.
• Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
• I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
• A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring.
• Love is giving him the ability to break your heart but trusting him enough to know that he won’t.
• No matter how bad your kid is, he’s still good for a tax exemption.
• A speech is like a bicycle wheel — the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.
• Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who’s totally free for the weekend.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
• There’s a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.
• A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a magician.
• I find that planning my future saves me from regretting my past.
• Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
• Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a fortune.
• Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
• Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
• Never make the same mistake twice… there are so many new ones to make!
• Everything comes to he who waits – providing he has either infinite patience or infinite wealth.
• An egotist is a self-made man who worships his creator.
• I had dreams and I’ve had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of my dreams.
• Snowflakes are some of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what happens when they stick together.
• Love, like paint, can make things beautiful when you spread it, but it simply dries up when you don’t use it.
• He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool.
• Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it’s twice as onerous a duty.
• A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn’t know.
• Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.
• It is better to be a nobody who accomplishes something than a somebody who accomplishes nothing.
• Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
• If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands.
• A man’s conscience tells him what he shouldn’t do but it does not keep him from doing it.
• Some people dream of success… while others wake up and work hard at it.
• A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
• A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash.
• One day, your life will flash in front of your eyes… Make it worth watching.
• Love is not about who you live with… It’s about who you can’t live without.
• Enjoy yourself. These are the “good old days” you’re going to miss in the years ahead.
• By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
• Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
• Success comes in cans, not cant’s.
• Never run from your fears. Because when they catch up to you, you’re too tired to fight.
• A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness.
• It’s better to lose your ego to one u love the most, than to lose the one you love the most because of your ego.
• Just about the time we think we can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
• Many actresses won’t wear a dress that’s not original, but they’ll take a secondhand husband.

• Some fellows dream of accomplishments, while others stay awake and do them.
• Tough times get you real friends and others get you tough times.
• Worry is the darkroom in which ‘negatives’ are developed.
• Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
• Of course, there’s now a higher percentage of seat belt users. The non-users are slowly being killed off.
• AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder.
• Among animals, it’s eat or be eaten. Among people, it’s define or be defined.
• All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more specific.
• The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1
• Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
• Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy.
• Life is a series of collisions with the future.
• A friend in need always finds your new phone number.
• My goal is to be a failure! If I reach my goal, I’ll be successful & if I don’t reach my goal, I’ll still be successful.
• Some people think they are generous because they give away free advice.
• Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
• The only man who sticks closer to you in adversity than a friend is a creditor.
• Some people wake up and find themselves famous; others find themselves famous and then wake up.
• Sometimes I need what only you can provide – Your absence
• A family consists of a husband who gets an idea, the kids who say it can’t be done, and the wife who does it.
• The man who follows other people’s advice always ends up making other people’s mistakes.
• Never tell your problems to anyone… 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
• Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn’t be any fun living in it, or profit.
• Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.
• When I release the guilt of the past and the worries of the future, I am joyful in the present.
• A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is the statement of an agreeable untruth
• If you want your dreams to come true, don’t oversleep.
• People will believe most anything that is whispered to another.
• Often a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
• A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
• Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn’t; and a sense of humour to console him for what he is.
• On anniversaries the wise husband may forget the past… but better never forget the present.
• A lawyer says ‘we’ won’ or ‘You’ have lost.
• The squeaking wheel doesn’t always get the grease.. sometimes it gets replaced.
• A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.
• Forget yourself when with others and others will not forget you.
• There are some days I practice positive thinking. And other days I’m not positive, I am thinking.
• In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.
• Blessings never come in pairs; misfortunes never come alone.
• If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?
• When a man becomes rich he becomes naughty and when a women becomes naugty she becomes rich.
• Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
• They say true love is just round the corner I must be walking in circles.
• A successful marriage isn’t finding the right person – it’s being the right person.
• A boy becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
• Some persons think they have made a success of their lives when all they have made is money!
• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
• It’s been a lifetime struggle for me to stop spending my lifetime struggling.
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
• I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

• The most welcome person is the one who knows when to go.
• You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
• Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after.
• Even a fool knows you can’t reach out and touch the stars, but it doesn’t keep wise men from trying.
• You wouldn’t care what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do.
• Holidays make you feel good enough to return to work. And so poor that you’re forced to.
• God didn’t promise us it would be easy or painless; he just promised us it would be worth it!
• Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.
• A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.
• If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
• Do you believe in love at first site or do I have to walk by again?
• I never spit in your drink — Why do you smoke in my air?
• If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
• The school of experience would be more pleasant if there were a vacation once in a while.
• I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
• She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man’s company unless he owns it.
• People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
• We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.
• A good thing to exercise when you’re putting on weight is restraint.
• My boyfriend told me he loved me for my mind. I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
• No matter how bad you think life is, when you consider the alternative — it ain’t all that bad.
• Vacation is what you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer.
• Success is relative – the more success, the more relatives.
• Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
• People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!
• The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
• Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results.
• Take time to relax especially when you don’t have time for it.
• A hug is like a boomerang – you get it back right away.
• You need Money to call someone Honey.
• Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
• A lot of good could be accomplished in this world if nobody cared who got the credit.
• Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.
• If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
• A kiss that is never tasted, is forever and ever wasted.
• A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
• A fart is nothing more than a lost cough.
• The most constant thing in the world, is change.
• The best exercise: reach down and pull somebody up.
• While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
• Experience: what you get when you don’t get what you want.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Does a liar lies when he says he says he is telling a lie?
• Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.
• Blaming your faults on your nature does not change the nature of your faults.
• Have an aim in life – then don’t forget to pull the trigger.
• Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all become friends.
• Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things.
• Guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.
• No-one loves hard work more than the one who pays for it.

• Guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.
• Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.
• Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.
• There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
• You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
• Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.
• I’m the man of this house and I have my wife’s permission to say so.
• If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
• Love is a complicated machine… sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.
• The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.
• We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our worst enemies.
• Between tomorrow’s dream and yesterday’s regret is today’s opportunity.
• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
• When a man falls down his temper generally gets up before he does.
• Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
• Faith is something like electricity. You can’t see it, but you can see the light.
• The hardest thing in life is to do nothing – ’cause you never know when your finished.
• A good man is hard to find and a hard man is good to find.
• Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
• Fault finding is like window washing. All the dirt seems to be on the other side.
• Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.
• My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.
• Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all!
• One woman’s hobby may be another woman’s hubby.
• Ladies, when you’re climbing the ladder of success, don’t let boys look up your dress!
• Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
• My insomnia is so bad, I can’t even sleep on the job.
• Marriage changes passion…suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
• The ideal husband is the one who understands what his wife did not say.
• It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it is the little differences that make them interesting.
• A man in a relationship trades intimacy to get sex. A woman in a relationship trades sex to get intimacy.
• Falling in love is when she falls asleep in your arms and wakes up in your dreams!
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
• If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.
• Children act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
• Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.
• The first half of our lives is spent ignoring our parents’ advice and the second half in trying to keep our children from ignoring ours.
• I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.
• I don’t like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?
• I wonder why a gynecologist leaves the room when women get undressed?
• Regular naps prevent old age…especially if you take them while driving.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
• An Abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
• He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you.
• Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.
• Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
• Don’t criticize your wife… if she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.
• There are those who make things happen. There are those who watch things happen. And there are those who wonder what happened?
• When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.

• My father was a workaholic. Everytime someone mentioned work, he got drunk.
• Women admire a man because he is strong , but they love him for his weaknesses.
• What wish would stars make when they saw falling people?
• Ladies, when you’re climbing the ladder of success, don’t let boys look up your dress!
• Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to.
• Executive ability is a talent for deciding something quickly and getting someone else to do it.
• Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.
• I don’t like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.
• People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
• Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it and higher pay for not getting it done.
• I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.
• If obstacles get in your way, do as the wind does… whistle and go around them.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• There’s a big difference between good sound reasons and reasons that sound good.
• I’ve been in debt so long; I’ve become a collector’s item.
• If love is blind, how will she find me?
• He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.
• If all else fails — lower your standards.
• Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia? It’s com.dyslexia.www.
• The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
• People are not afraid of how bad you are, they are afraid of how good you are.
• True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
• If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!
• The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.
• Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
• You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it.
• Love is when you don’t want to go to sleep because reality is better than a dream.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never die.
• Luck always seems to be against the person who depends on it. forever.
• Death is a once in a lifetime experience.
• The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
• There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark and others who just leave a stain.
• Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
• Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
• Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?
• Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
• If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
• The right angle from which to approach any problem is the TRY-angle.
• Make a firm decision now… you can always change it later.
• There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
• People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow your advice.

• I’ve never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
• You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, as long as you don’t have to go along.
• What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
• I’m not as dumb as you look, which, to be honest, would be impossible.
• Let us be thankful for the fools, but for them the rest of us could not succeed.
• May your trouble be like the old man’s teeth… few and far between.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
• Make crime pay, become a lawyer
• When he cancels a date it is bcoz he has to, when she cancels a date it is bcoz she has two.
• Why is ‘one’ the loneliest number?
• Life without beers would be unbearable.
• Life is too confusing for novices. Let the experts take care of it.
• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
• Any student changing the course of history is probably writing an exam.
• We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
• Materialism is buying things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people who don’t matter.
• The best way to overcome temptation is to avoid the tempting situation.
• Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject.
• Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
• Be the change that you want to see in the world.
• It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.
• When it rains try and look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
• A dirty book is rarely dusty.
• Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.
• There is an exception to every rule – and most people think they are it.
• Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
• Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t.
• We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads.
• I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
• There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
• At this moment I have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.
• People who are often in a hurry imagine they are energetic, when in most cases they are simply inefficient.
• Optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bulls..t before.
• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
• A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.
• Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
• Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.
• Imagination is something that sits up with a wife when her husband comes home late.
• True love doesn’t have a happy ending. True love doesn’t have an ending!
• A person doesn’t know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.
• Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.
• Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
• A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to join you in your troubles.
• Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn’t it?
• I’m proud to pay taxes; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.
• No man ever injured his eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.
• Prevent hangovers — stay drunk.

• It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how you place the blame.
• I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
• Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?
• I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure!
• The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.
• Think “honk” if you’re a telepath.
• I’m apathetic but I don’t care.
• Mistakes? I don’t make misakes!
• The worst thing about censorship is .
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• Biology grows on you!
• Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
• If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
• What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
• I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• I am not going to sit here and stand for those kind of insults.
• There are 10 kinds of people in the world – those who get binary and those who don’t.
• You’re middle-aged if the girls you whistle at think you’re calling your dog.
• We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing.
• Business is a lot like a game of tennis – those who serve well usually end up winning.
• I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
• People often search for the city of happiness, not realizing it can only be found in the state of mind.
• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
• Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.
• Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
• Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. . . . That’s the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.
• Six munfs ago I cudn’t even spel executiv. Now I am butter.
• Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you’d be surprised at how many re-enlist.
• I always lie. In fact, I’m lying to you right now.
• Money is like manure: It’s not worth anything unless you spread it around.
• I’d rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I’m not.
• A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart.
• He was so mean. It hurts him if he has to go for a pee because he has to give something away for nothing
• Trust is like virginity. You lose it once and that’s it.
• A pessimist is a person who mourns the future.
• What you say is always more important than how you say it, except when you’re swearing.
• The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At the time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
• Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
• The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
• The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer.
• If kissing is the language of love, then we have a lot to talk about.
• Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.
• There is no fatigue so wearisome as that which comes from lack of work.
• The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. General Patterson (WWII)

• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
• There are 10 kinds of people in the world – those who get binary and those who don’t.
• Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.
• When women go wrong, men go right after them
• Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
• If patience is a virtue and ignorance is bliss, then you can do pretty well in life if you’re stupid and willing to wait.
• Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.
• A man should never resign himself to fate because the resignation might be accepted.
• I never forget my brother’s birthday because it was the day I lost half my inheritance.
• Some fellows dream of worthy achievements, while others stay awake and do them.
• If you are a vegetarian just to be nice to animals, why are you eating their food?
• Good things may come to those who wait, but all the really excellent stuff will be gone by then.
• It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance.
• Too many people are cheerful givers only when they get a chance to hand out free advice.
• An egotist is one who can hardly wait to hear what he’s going to say about himself next.
• Middle age is when you start eating what’s good for you instead of what you like.
• F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
• Bad spellers of the world untie!
• If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
• Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn? -Ashleigh Brilliant
• Smile and the world smiles with you. Snarl and you get better service.
• Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman, but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
• Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
• Home is where you can scratch where it really itches.
• Vuja Dé: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.
• Don’t buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
• You were young and foolish once. Now you’re no longer young.
• I support everyone’s right to be an idiot. I may need it myself someday.
• Improve your image – be seen with me!
• Living with a conscience is like driving with the brakes on. -Budd Schulberg
• Some girls are so far ahead of the times that being modern seems very old-fashioned to them.
• A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
• All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more specific.
• We hang the petty thieves, but appoint the great ones to office. -Aesop
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down to your hips.
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Swallow your pride occasionally, it’s non-fattening!
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
• Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
• Why do men take up crime when there are so many legal ways to be dishonest?
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.
• Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax forms.
• Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.
• He who hesitates is constipated.
• Democracy is voting for the candidate you dislike the least.
• If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
• Retirement means twice as much husband and half as much money.
• Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
• Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes.

• The only exercise some people do is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends and pushing their luck.
• When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent
• A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name
• Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out!
• I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot too but at least I respect him.
• A brat doesn’t know right from wrong, yet always manages to do the wrong thing.
• Opportunity has to knock, but it is enough for temptation to stand outside and whistle.
• It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
• Beware of fate – it loves to take advantage of anyone who believes in it.
• Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively dumb?
• Leisure originally meant an opportunity to do something. It has come to mean an opportunity to do nothing.
• The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
• A government is a large-scale operation with too many small-scale minds.
• The fellow who does things that count, doesn’t usually stop to count them.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. -Mortimer Caplan
• Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
• Stay tuned. I could say something brilliant at any moment.
• The future isn’t what is used to be.
• A husband often thinks he bosses the house but actually he only houses the boss.
• The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
• Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.
• The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
• Good things may come to those who wait, but all the really excellent stuff will be gone by then.
• Workaholics need the overtime to cover the cost of marriage counseling.
• Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.
• My insomnia is so bad, I can’t even sleep on the job.
• People have one thing in common: they are all different.
• A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.
• God is the one who pulls you from the wreckage of your own decisions.
• We come to love not by finding the perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly!
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• Half the fun of being alive is not knowing what tomorrow will bring. The other half is pretending you don’t care.
• Be thankful to problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• All things come to him who waits, but they come sooner if he goes out to see what’s wrong.
• It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
• I either want less corruption, or more chances to participate in it.
• A real friend isn’t someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
• No man is as clever as his mother thinks he is or as dumb as his mother-in-law thinks he is.
• Flattery is hearing from others the things you have already thought about yourself.
• If you don’t learn from your mistakes, there’s no sense making them.
• Never make the same mistake twice… there are so many new ones to make!
• Anyone can enjoy good days; those who find ways to enjoy bad days have something going for them!
• It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, and normal to ignore it.
• The problem with the future of the human race is that the the slow and weak breed the most.
• Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.
• You laugh at me because I’m different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same.

• People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren’t so crazy about the first time around.
• What’s another word for thesaurus?
• If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?
• A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart.
• Familiarity breeds contempt. But without a little familiarity, you can’t breed anything.
• To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don’t care, and the other half don’t know.
• Romance is the appreciation of two people who are celebrating the lucky coincidence that they found each other.
• A yawn is nature’s method of giving the person listening to a bore an opportunity to open his mouth.
• When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.
• The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not winning but taking part; the essential thing in life is not conquering but fighting well.
• Most people aim at nothing in life and hit it with amazing accuracy.
• It is not how busy you are, but why you are busy- the bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted.
• The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can’t budget the balance.
• Don’t tell God how big your problems are…tell your problems how big your God is.
• People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
• Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
• Optimist: A person who travels on nothing, from nowhere, to happiness.
• Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
• There’s no sense in being pessimistic, it wouldn’t work anyway!
• Materialism is buying things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people who don’t matter.
• If a man thinks it is impossible to be wrong all the time, then he has never been married.
• An engagement is a period of urge on the verge of a merge.
• A man is closest to perfection when filling out a job application form.
• The only bad part of being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
• There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
• Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
• A woman knows the value of love, but a man knows its cost.
• A politician will do anything to keep his job – even become a patriot.
• Illiterate? Write For Help
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• All generalizations are false!
• Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to keep one
• A man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success
• Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
• Every girl wants one guy to meet all her needs, while every guy wants every girl to meet his one need.
• An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today
• Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
• Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
• My boyfriend told me he loved me for my mind. I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
• It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

• People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.
• An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for his country.
• You wouldn’t care what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do.
• Some people think they are generous because they give away free advice.
• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
• You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
• No matter how busy I am, I’m never too busy to stop and complain about how busy I am.
• Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

The best Collection of SMS and Jokes.